Williams Armitage Social Speeches

Cannibalism

“I don’t think much of your wife.”
“Never mind – just eat the vegetables.”

A clever cannibal was very successful in the heart of the jungle when he set up a crematorium and sold peopleburgers.

The cannibal came home to find his wife chopping up snakes and a very small man. “Oh, no!” he groaned. “Not snake-and-pigmy pie again!”

“And this soup contains wholesale, health-giving vitamin Bill Brown.”

I really bought a baby car – it doesn’t go anywhere without a rattle.

I’ve got a two tone car black and rust.

“Why are you in such a hurry?”
“I’m off to the doctor. I don’t like the look of my wife.”
“I’ll come with you. I can’t stand the sight of mine!”

“My wife speaks through her nose.”
“Why?”
“She’s worn her mouth out.”

“I had to give up tap dancing.”
“Why.”
“I kept falling in the sink.”

That’s nice suit you’re wearing. Who went for the fitting?”

“I didn’t come here to be insulted.”
“Why? Where do you normally go?”

Judge in divorce case: “Did you or did you not sleep with Mrs Smith on the night in question?”
“Not a wink, Your Honour.”

“Do you ever talk to your wife when you’re making love?”
“Only if she telephones.”

“Do you smoke after making love?”
“Dunno. I’ve never looked.”

“Well how do you find yourself these cold winter mornings?”
“Oh, you know, just throw back the blankets, and there I am.”

“Will the band play anything I request?”
“Certainly, sir.”
“Then tell them to play dominoes.”

The first time the little girl from the big city had ever seen a cow she thought it was a bull that had swallowed a glove.

In the divorce court the judge frowned and said, “So, Miss Brown, you admit that you stayed in a hotel with this man?”
Women: “Yes, I do. But I couldn’t help it. He deceived me.”
Judge: “Really? How?”
Women: “Well he told the receptionist I was his wife.”

“The only way my Bill will lose weight is to have a leg off.”

I’m on a seafood diet. It’s great: every time I see food I eat it.

A diver working 300 feet below the surface of the English Channel received a message from his ship, saying, “Come up quick! We’re sinking!.

“Give it to me straight. How am I?.
“Well your teeth are fine. But your gums’ll have to come out.”

Student doctor: “Excuse me, sir, but there’s writing on this patient’s foot.”
Famous surgeon: “Ah, yes, that’s a footnote.”

“Doctor my hair keeps falling out. Have you got anything to keep it in.?”
“How about a cardboard box?”

Patient: “Doctor, have you got anything for my liver?”
Doctor: “What about some onions.”

Patient: “Got anything for my flat feet?”
Doctor: “Have you tried a bicycle pump?”

Receptionist: “The doctor’s so funny, he’ll soon have you in stitches.”
Patient: “I hope not. I only came in for a check-up.”

“Doctor, I’m worried. I keep seeing pink striped crocodiles when I try to get to sleep.”
“Have you seen a psychiatrist?”
“No, only a pink striped crocodile?”