Please criticise my sales letter.

Letter here

Thanks.

Hi Adam

Sounds like an interesting seminar.

Here are a few suggestions. Hope they help.

* My first impression was that there was a block of text to read - and like most people, I'm too lazy to read it. You could try breaking it up visually, with sub headlines or emboldened phrases. Cut out any words that are not completely essential to your message.

* The headline doesn't scan very well. How about changing it tosomething like...  FREE Seminar: Non-pushy Sales Persuasion

* Long sentences can be a bit off-putting. Try limiting each sentence to 10 words or less.

Hope that is helpful.

Cheers

Sam

Definitely useful - thanks!  

Not keen on the ..'wouldn't you' agree tacked on, feels a bit overcooked ...  but maybe it's your sales technique to make the readers inner voice go 'yes'

Yeah, I'm not so keen on it either really, but I've seen question tags do get good results. Dan Kennedy and Chris C always have a question in their opener, although that doesn't mean it works for me.  

I'll do some split testing with and without and see what happens...

Sam, i changed the headline as you wrote , it reads much better!

Hi Adam

Looks pretty good to me. I am not the best at reading top to bottom and usually scan read or bin marketing mail. However I read top to bottom and think it reads generally well. I don't think all the sentences are too long and all the points make sense, one or two suggestions though.

Is it final draft layout wise? I would justify the layout to give it symmetry as it looks a bit clunky.

The title doesn't scan well as already mentioned, but a difficult one to abbreviate or word correctly I must admit.

Two minds as to whether you need to gain agreement on a mailshot, reads a little to 'utility company' to me. Make it a statement of confidence rather than a question perhaps. Something like :

‘In today’s environment business leaders all agree on the importance of maximising every sales enquiry etc etc etc or something of the like.

I also might be tempted to lose the second half of the second paragraph starting ‘If not executed correctly etc etc’ because next paragraph down you again make a value statement

‘If delivered / executed correctly etc’  

Hope this helps

Adam

Thanks, it's never going to be perfect and my English has always let me down to a certain degree.  I'm always 10% planning of these things and 90% action! But I thought worth sharing this as results were mixed from previous letters.

Layout wise, do you mean the margins equal on each side?

It's not quite a mailshot as such, more the follow up letter after a telephone conversation to get a meeting - the seminar is the fall back if you like.  It gets sent in a C5 manila windowed envelope marked "private and confidental" - very similar to the HMRC ones...

Yes, that delivered / executed isn't quite slick enough, can't place it though!

Hi Adam

Yes to the margins equal down either side, just always looked neater to me, personal thing I guess.

I know what you mean ref the planning / action divide.

If it is a follow up to a conversation may be the opening should refer to the conversation and how delighted you would be to include their organisation in your up an coming free seminars? 

I found opening with a follow up line didn't work - people don't really remember and it sounded too salesy, ironic perhaps as it is a sales letter.

I'll tidy the margins up, although that'll do it  - I'm a big believer of the law of diminishing returns!

Hi Adam

I would put the content and benefits of the workshop much earlier. Scrap the timetable as it's not needed if the readers are clear on the benefits. can you identify potential monetary value from attending like how much more business they could generate?

Also a much shorter bio - it's all about what THEY will get from the day - it's not about you, just a bit of credibility will do.

I don't think many people will read all this, and if it's a printed letter they won;t click on the 'more testimonials link' either..

Can you get it onto 2 quick-to-read exciting pages?

Claire

Hi Adam

Are you personally addressing these letters to individual people, 

You are more likely to receive a response to a personal exclusive invitation than a free seminar, if that makes sense.  Make the receiver feel it is personally directed to them.

PS. is a great action tool too, and if you would like people to email, you need to tell them what email within the sentance instead of looking around on the letter for the right contact email.

Also, as Claire mentioned 2 pages maximum.

I have a blog piece about writing sales letters here if you would like more info :)

I like it. I can see the title has changed - I didn't see it before, but the title now really grabbed my attention.

I'd remove "absolutely" and just use "maximise" - it seems a bit OTT with both.

This sentence about lucrative customers doesn't read so well for me. Perhaps discuss 'relationship' with customers rather than cold hard cash in the opening sentence. "Boost profits" and "save a fortune" also didn't sit side by side when I read them, as though they are the reverse of each other (even though they're not) - perhaps something to show they go hand in hand, like "save your business a fortune on wasted opportunity to boost profit on lucrative leads"... or something like that... this is off the cuff... !

All in all though, the first page gets the message across really well and it's certainly something that sounds appealing to people who don't want pushy or smarmy sales people. I didn't read much of the rest, but didn't feel I needed to. If I did want to book I would go on to read that and would hope to find more detail, which seems to all be there :) Go get 'em!

Good luck.

Nat