Idioms required

I used the idiom "As much use as a chocolate teapot" in my 40 second CV yesterday and it was well recieved. I would like to keep the general pitch but keep it new by changing the idiom. Any suggestions?

Please keep it clean, spare doodads and weddings may not be the best way to go and it also doesn't just have to be about chocolate.

I hope this topic will help others too

Thanks

forgive me for positng in two forums, but it seemed a cross platform topic

In a similar vein I've used "As much use as a chocolate fire guard". There's also "Couldn't organise a panic on a sinking ship" or "Couldn't organise a p*** up in a brewery". When I was employed I worked with someone who was described as having "A face like a slapped a***" or as my father-in-law used to say "A face like a bulldog chewing a wasp"

Can't think of any more at the moment!

I was going to volunteer to be an idiot, then reread it was idiom.

How about "As much use as a rubber ladder" "As much use as an ashtray on a motorbike" "As welcome as a fart in a space suit"

I nearly put soething in my message about that, but then I thought I'd just look like an idiot:-)

Thanks for the material

My business partner's favourite phrase is "about as much use as tits on a bull elephant"

Don't ask me why! He has spent a lot of time in the Far East, may be that's why... I just hear it at least once a day usually when referring to some 'idiot' he's just encountered - including me I suspect on occasion!

Cheers

Sarah

An inflatable dartboard

A glass hammer

isn't it more of a simile or saying than an idiom - just trying to get recruited to the David harding grmmar Police

"As much use as a handbrake on a canoe" is one I quite like!

Grammar Police input (thanks Bill!): I think idiom is OK, as it's really defined as a phrase designed to mean something different to its face-value meaning. I always interpret this as meaning phrases like 'kick the bucket'. It's closely related to a metaphor, which defines something by using a phrase that suggests something similar. Very easy to confuse I think.

It isn't a simile, in spite of the 'as' in the middle, because similes need a verb or noun in the first half - 'sings like a bird', or indeed 'face like a slapped arse'!

(I hope that's right, otherwise all the other GPs on 4N will rapidly descend and correct me!!)

I think I failed my recruitement test David

• We've advanced as far as an asthmatic ant with some heavy shopping.
• That's about as convincing as a giraffe in dark glasses at a polar bears only golf club.
© Blackadder.

Haha, I love those one liners in Blackadder, I even read these in his style with the pause just before the end of the phrase.

My favourite is -

As the actress said to the bishop

Must be my age!!

he was...

as nervous as a short nun at a peguin shoot

as successful as a one legged man in an arse kicking contest

as useful as a screen door on a submarine

as bent as a nine bob note

And from Edmund Blackadder:

he was madder than mad jock mcmad winner of last years mr mad competition

I only have the one to offer. - As Rare as Rocking Horse S*it. - ( Poo might be more polite)

As much use as

a crocheted condom

chocolate fireguard

being one man short

a one armed man at a wallpaper hanging competition

a comb at a Yul Brinner look-a-like contest

Well, if we're in Blackadder mode, a few of my favourites are:

'as happy as a Frenchman who's invented a pair of self-removing trousers'

'We're in the stickiest situation since Sticky the Stick Insect got stuck on a sticky bun'

'that is the worst plan since Abe Lincoln said to his wife, "I'm sick of sitting around the house, let's catch a show"'

'This is a crisis - a large crisis. In fact, if you have a moment, it's a twelve-story crisis with a magnificant entrance hall, carpeting throughout, 24-hour porterage, and an enormous sign on the roof saying, 'This is a Large Crisis'.'