 CHIT CHAT [Does Alistair Darling have what it takes to run 17 banks at once? ] |
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Posted on 09th Oct 2008 at 10:52
Spoof article from thedailymash.co.uk
| DOES ALISTAIR DARLING HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO RUN SEVENTEEN BANKS AT ONCE? |
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Nope
CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling was said to be nervous and excited last night after being told he would have to run 17 banks at the same time.
Mr Darling, who has no previous experience of running a bank, has opened a new Word file on his computer and has already typed some headings in block capitals.
The chancellor said: "Barclays - now that's quite a big one isn't it? Right, so that'll probably need all of Monday.
"Nationwide I can do Tuesday mornings. I'll split Wednesday between Lloyds and Abbey. HBOS is f****d so that'll need all day Thursday, and I can do the rest on Friday. Should be finished by half-four."
He added: "Worst comes to worst, I can always take RBS home with me and fiddle about with it in the garage."
City analyst Julian Cook said: "I believe British banking is about to enter an exciting new era of dreadful speeches, lost CDs and changing its mind every 20 minutes."
Meanwhile, as the FTSE 100 continued to fall despite the £500bn pound cash injection, stockbrokers finally admitted they have not been completely honest with us.
Martin Bishop, a senior trader at Madeley-Finnegan, said: "Yeah, okay, basically what happened was last Christmas we all got shitfaced and ended up throwing £800 trillion into a volcano.
"It was all Fred Goodwin's idea. He's mental."
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Posted on 09th Oct 2008 at 10:55
If he can't co-ordinate his hair with his eyebrows, I would say: no.
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Posted on 09th Oct 2008 at 12:46
Easy! Merge them all together and give them a catchy new name. How about "The Bank of England"? Then I can just put mervyn King in to do it all for me.
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Posted on 09th Oct 2008 at 14:01
short answer --no
"Keeping TABS on your business"
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Posted on 09th Oct 2008 at 14:08
Seeing as it's my money. Do I get a say?
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Posted on 09th Oct 2008 at 14:54
To be fair, he was boss at being minister for work and pensions. Sorted loads of stuff out but got moved to transport in a reshuffle about 7 years ago when London kept going on about the trains.
You're a moron, you're part of a league of morons I've been fighting my whole life. And today, I win
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Posted on 09th Oct 2008 at 16:36
Stef - it may be your money!
I will be intrigued to see how much of this headline figure will actually be spent/required. I heard that three of the top four banks that signed up to this deal said they didn't actually need the money at the moment!
Even if they do draw on it, I think it will be one of the best investments I have ever made - the terms are fantastic.
If we are having a say, please can I ask that the pay of the execs are kept at a sensibly high level to ensure that we get th ebest people possible to look after our money?
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Posted on 09th Oct 2008 at 17:19
Quote:
To be fair, he was boss at being minister for work and pensions. Sorted loads of stuff out but got moved to transport in a reshuffle about 7 years ago when London kept going on about the trains.
Yeah, but it's the puppet master...............................
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