Date: 24th Mar 2012

YOu must have humour whilst working or @ work. Below a selection of humourous jokes taken from Social Speeches; A Armitage & G Williams



1. A young man was loudly lamenting to everyone in the bar that his doctor had ordered him to give up half his sex life.
“Which half are you going to give up?” asked a bored listener. “Talking about it – or thinking about it?”

2. A man who had been boasting of his achievements for what seemed like hours at last concluded with, “I’m a self-made man! That’s what I am: a self made man!”
One of the company, stifling a yawn, observed in a bored voice, “Really, old man! Then you gave up work too soon!

3. You can never be too careful. A recently married couple I know received by post two tickets for an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical. Accompanying them was a card saying, “Guess who from!”
So they went to the concert, having spent the day pondering over who might have sent them the kind invitation.
When they got home they found that their house had been burgled and all their wedding presents and other valuables stolen. On the mantelpiece there was a card, similar to that which had accompanied the tickets. On it was written, “Now you know who from.”

4. The cannibal drank a lot of soup from an enormous cooking pot, and then turned to his friend, belched and said, “I’ve had a bellyful of your mother”.

5. “I don’t think much of your wife”.
“Never mind – just eat the vegetables.”

6. A clever cannibal was very successful in the heart of the jungle when he set up a crematorium and sold people burgers.

7. The cannibal came home to find his wife chopping up snakes and a very small man. “Oh no!” he groaned. “Not snake – and pygmy pie again!”

8. “And his soup contains wholesome, health-giving vitamin Bill Brown.”

9. I really bought a baby car – it doesn’t go anywhere without a rattle.

10. Henry was trying to sell his battered old car for £900.00. His friend, Tom, said he would pay 10% less than the price Henry was asking for it. But Henry wasn’t very good at figures, so he said he’d think about Tom’s offer. That evening, when he was in his usual bar, Henry asked the barmaid, “If I offered nine hundred quid less ten percent what would you take off?
The barmaid hesitated slightly, replied, “Everything except my ear rings.”

11. I’ve got a two-tone car: black and rust.

12.The vet had just supervised the delivery of a litter of kittens to the old lady’s cat.
“I just don’t know how it could’ve happened,” said the old woman. “Tibbles is never allowed out and no other cats are ever allowed into the house.”
“But what about him?” the vet asked, pointing to a large tomcat sitting in an armchair.
“Oh n, don’t be silly,” the women replied. “That’s her brother.”

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